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Aug 18, 2007

Becoming a Mom

I never imagined becoming a Mom would feel this wonderful. The day my Mom passed away I never thought I would ever experience anything good in my life. It felt like nothing mattered to me anymore. Then one day as I sat at the doctor's office they told me I was having a baby.  My initial thought was fear and then excitement and fear all over again. I was speechless as I sat there and then a warm sensation crept from my heart and I knew my Mom and God had sent me a gift. Someone to keep me going. I reached for my cell phone to call my Mom and then I remembered she was no longer here.  Me, a Mom! Wow. the thought left my mind years ago. This life is different not because it was created in love but because this gift came to me when I expected nothing out of life but to live. This was a gift from above! May 13th was the first day of many emotions for me, all of them good and exciting!  As I wait to see my baby I can't help but wonder what the future holds for us. As I think of names and who the baby will look like I smile because none of it really matters, all that matters is it's health and how can I be the best Mother to this child. This precious child of ours has brought me back to life.  When I sit and talk to my baby each day I think now I know what it means to live.

Apr 18, 2007

Death of a loved one

Loosing a loved one is hard but when you loose your Mother it's a sense of lost that can't be explained. When my Mother passed away from ALS in 2004 it was as if my entire world closed in on me and I suffocated in a world wind of grief.  It felt like a bad dream but I was awake. Most days I replay the day over in my mind  and I often wonder what I could have done to save her.  Although I know there was nothing anyone could have done. As I watched I realized not even the doctors who worked so hard to save her was going to pull that miricle out for me. I guess like most people who have lost someone they love and care about, I just wish I could somehow did something. Had I been home and not at work when she started to take a turn for the worse. I know God has a plan for everyone and she lived a great life with us while she was here. Just had I known that day was going to be our last day I could have said something else besides Mommy I love you! What, I don't know!  It is still at times I think she is still here and that some cruel trick has been played on me. I rush into her bedroom to see her and then it that day replays and greet me at the door. I realize my worst dream and fears have come true but I am awake and alive and she is forever gone!  Friends often comfort me and say it will get better but I know it won't. I will always feel the same grief and heartache I felt on September 1, 2004 at 3:01 p.m.  It may get easier to handle but it will never get better. Things will never be quite the same for me.  With each breath I take and each day I live my heart is torn and broken because I don't have my Mom.  I guess I never imagined being alone and that I would have to live life without her. Our relationship was very close and now at times I feel totally lost and sometimes not in control of my emotions.   The thing that keeps me going is being surrounded by my older sister and my 6 yr old nephew. He has brought purpose to me and a great sense of joy when the world feels cold and empty. The only thing I am sure of is that She and I will one day be together again.